26 April 2005

Positive vibe

I had a good night sleep yesterday. It's so surreal. The dreams that I had over the night are positive. And it sets me into a positive vibe today. I ended up waking refresh and for the first time in life, I woke up early 5 am not feeling any tingle of tiredness. Of the many dreams, I dreamt that I got a promotion. I wasn't expecting it in the dream. Anyway, I don't expect it in real life either. "Fat hope." The words that I called up upon waking up and then proceeded to have a good laugh.

These few days I have been searching for a reason. An inspiration. Everyone has dreams and aspirations. But not many able to attain it in life. I for an example, never make it right in life. Suddenly, yesterday after work, I sort of felt like taking a look into the books that I have written (aka diaries). Thinking back, I have written alot of books-of-thoughts. *aside* My horoscope states that one of jobs that I'm suitable with is being an author. Ha!

So I tried to search for inspirations in those books that I had wrote. I looked for those that I written from 2000 to 2002. That was the toughest period I had in my life. Alot of stuff spilled out from those old books. Illustrations, pictures etc. Out came one with a makeover photo I had. "I didn't know I could look so beautiful?" But back to my current auntie-like looks, a wave of disappointment splashed over me. "Think I should doing something about myself now."

Then the dim light shone down on my right hand while I was indulging in my readings. The so prominent scar on the skin side up. I had three self-inflicted scars on myself. Each of them has a story to tell. This one particularly. It was the time that I used it as a reminder that I decided to start my life anew. I used to love my right hand alot. Apart from it being the hand that does the most jobs, the hand that I rely on everyday for work. The skin is smooth and gloss. I never have good skin and that part was my favourite. So I decided to destroy my best feature back then to serve as a reminder. That "I have surpass the toughest time in life, and no burden will be heavy to carry from now on." I wanted it to serve as a constant motivator in future.

Yeah, it did it's function now. If I can survive those hardship back then, what it is right now?

I continued more and more books and sleep naturally occur. I had not slept so peacefully for so long.

4:53 p.m. . by ichigo